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Like so many others at this time of year, we’re gallivanting around the country in a carefully coordinated and militarily planned series of visits to friends and relatives.

It’s a bit like an annual migration, to get all David Attenborough about it. You can imagine a swooping panoramic view of the M25, for example, zooming in on a car laden with presents and bags and sale bargains and contributory booze. The VoiceOver would kick in with a statement about how the materialistic goods carried by the visiting animals are traded and bartered in a system unique to the breed.

“With no apparent rhyme or reason, these animals scatter across the country for the two weeks surrounding the Christmas season. Sometimes, as many as a thousand miles is covered in their annual pilgrimage.”

[zooms in on car traveling between, say,Yorkshire, Norfolk, Dorset and Hampshire]

“See how the travelers are discussing happily what to do with the spare hour they allowed for traffic. Given the conventions of the breed, it is considered rude to turn up early. Instead, they could go to the nearest town to forage for dessert ingredients, for the female of the species has, in line with her ancestors, insisted on bringing a contribution to the table – or, as the male of the species wishes it, they could go to their place of rest and unpack the car whilst it is still light”.

[jovial tone, wiggle of eyebrows, side of road shot as car zooms past supermarket turn off]

“On this occasion, the male has dominated. The female tuts and looks unhappy but has learnt she cannot get her own way all the time. She will make him pay for the decision later by asking for numerous cups of tea.”

“Yet all this traveling has a purpose. To reinforce relationship bonds, spend time with loved ones, to swop news and generally enjoy oneself.”

[cut away shot to Sir David looking anxious, lower tone suitably]

“But with the rising costs of fuel, how much longer can this way of life be sustained? The system worked well when it was developed but these creatures must, and will, evolve to survive in the modern world”.

[wobble of finger, cheeky grin, happy voice – camera pans out to show exhausted travelers returning home to a narky cat, a dropping Christmas tree, and a mountain of washing]

“The social nature of these beasts will overcome the challenges of Logistics and Cost to ensure the survival of the species. The celebratory purpose of these visits and the enjoyment gained by all parties ensures that next year, it will all be done again. Perhaps not with the same participants or in the same order, but something of this magnitude will occur.”

[Pan out to show Sir David standing on our front patio, travelers inside on the sofa]

“Extraordinary.”

[cue music]

I think it’s a shoe in with the BBC, frankly. It wouldn’t take 4 years of filming, require exotic location shoots or cameramen to hide under a polar bear.

You heard the idea here first.

Happy New Year.

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