I’m sure that I’m not the only one to be the member of an online forum. I’ve never really understood why people hide the fact that they interact online with other people – there’s no shame in doing so. And as long as it’s kept in proportion, and you don’t overinvest in complete strangers’ lives, by and large it can be a positive experience. I’ve written before about how I’ve made some true friends through talking online.
But one area I’m not keen on is sharing my user name with my ‘real life’ friends. It’s fine for people to know that I do it, but not the details of it. Even though I don’t share anything online that I wouldn’t with people in real life, and I’m not rude or dismissive or horrid about anyone, it still feels a bit wrong to share the details with them, and I don’t quite know why. It’s contrary to say it, but it’s not the same as my online contacts knowing my pseudonym even when they have gone on to become real life friends, for they knew me by my pseudonym first.
It’s no secret that I’ve been a member of Mumsnet for quite some time now – it was recommended to me for advice at a time in my life when I really needed some words of wisdom from someone who had been there, done that. If you look to the left you can see a nifty little widget that gives you their latest product reviews, so it wouldn’t take a supersleuth to figure it out!
Why did I join? I’m not a mum. Yet I didn’t know anyone in real life who had experienced the issue I was facing, and wouldn’t have thought of going on there if it hadn’t been for the recommendation. There, I got intelligent answers, honest opinions and was able to have a laugh at the same time. I’ve continued to use ‘MN’ and it’s been great. I’ve been flamed in Am I Being Unreasonable, learned about all manner of matters, discovered more than I ever thought imaginable and grown really rather fond of the nest of vipers who have at times given me a virtual slap, applauded my achievements, advised me well or told it to me straight.
But now, for the first time, I find myself with a quandary.
Because I have had to reveal my user name. It wasn’t tortured out of me, I gave it up willingly, in the knowledge and hope that it might help someone else. I’ve been ‘outed’, and it has left me feeling strangely vulnerable. I am absolutely sure that the friend who knows it will not pass it on, nor sit and read posts of mine asking for advice on tax returns, what to do when you’ve used the wrong type of flour by mistake, or having a giggle over – well, to be honest – almost anything.
So the time has come for me to change it. But I’ve become rather fond of it over the past couple of years. There’s something about being online that means total honesty is required, both with the issue at hand and with myself. And my nickname, whilst not widely known for I am not a prolific nor a well-known poster, is one that is part of my online persona.
It feels strangely sad to say goodbye to my pseudonym. She was fun, slightly batty and occasionally had flashes of wit. If rumours are to be believed she was a High Court Judge with a walk-in shoe wardrobe, size ten, and won the lottery on a weekly basis.
I’ll miss her. But now it’s time to come up with a new name. And substitute the walk-in shoe wardrobe with a wine cellar.
The (wine)glass is half full!
Now here’s where we differ. You see, I’ve been “PoshPaws” ever since I arrived on the internet all those mumbledy-mumble years ago (too many to own up to!). Because I’ve always made sure that, as PoshPaws, my online ethics have been as impeccable as I can make them – which is just the same as in real life – I have no worries about sharing it with anyone who wants to know it. (Not implying that your online ethics are suspect – just explaining my ethos. She hastened to add!). So PoshPaws is my true online persona. She has a habit of sprinkling people with glitter and tying their shoelaces together, but nobody seems to mind.
I had a brief dalliance with “Ursidae” for metaphysical message boards, but found it to be too masculine and so have tucked that one behind my ear for manly moments.
Since I started Jenny Eatwell’s Rhubarb & Ginger, I have – of necessity – become “Jenny Eatwell” in lots of places. I still keep my email as PoshPaws, though. *wink* At least I know there’s a little bit of glitter, some pink Dr Martens and a handful of forehead stars under Ms Eatwell’s starched skirts. It makes me feel better. LOL
Oh, there’s nowt wrong with my ethics like you say
it’s more that I felt that it was ‘my place’ and selfishly I didn’t want it invaded. A bit like inviting two completely different groups of people to drinks – when you thought the twain never would meet.
And these days, whatever you put out online will stay there, which some people seem to forget!
I did much the same. Although I’ve always been careful of what I say on the net, the thought that I can’t inadvertently upset anyone in RL with my views (can you tell I avoid confrontation?) is liberating.
I also thought that things which seemed so important to me would seem so trivial to everyone else that I was embarrassed.
I’m ‘out’ now and have been for some time but then I don’t need the outlet now so it doesn’t matter.
Exactly Pat, it’s like when some friends come into your life for a reason and then leave again – it happens to us all. I still need MN so for now I’ll be changing my name on there (I’m not changing the name of this blog or anything, just to be clear!)
Aww, hope you can let us onliners know your new name.
My blog is anonymous though plenty of RL people know about, and now I tout my blog all over Mn I’ve changed my name as over the years I have spilt my guts out on there. Still occasionally go back so I’m not completely forgotten.
Even under my old name I would change it slightly, one letter or so, which meant it wouldn’t come up in a search, though obviously you’d know the name if you happened upon it. Could you do that?
I’ve been v open on my blog about my love for Mumsnet. I think it is amazing!
You’ll figure me out soon enough Dilly! but I don’t want to get to complicated, my brain has too much to think about without remembering which version of me is which!
I think Mumsnet is utterly fantastic. I’m loud and proud about that!
I’ve just scheduled a post called ‘what’s in a name’ but its about my own name vs my husband (to be’s) surname etc…
On your topic I also keep my online pseudonym hush hush from all but a few of my closest ‘real life’ friends… I quite like the fact that hardly anyone I know knows about by blog. Do you HAVE to change your online name, if the friend won’t tell anyone then what’s the harm? But I can see how a new name is a new leaf, as it were!
I’ll look forward to reading that Belle. Have to say I’m loving being a Mrs and using my husbands’ surname, I’ve become used to it far quicker than I thought I would.
it’s a funny thing isn’t it? How we value privacy which isn’t privacy at all, it’s only because we don’t know the people behind the comments and the viewing stats.
I’ve already changed my name on MN, there’s no going back! Maybe in time.
Some of my real life friends know I blog, but don’t generally really ‘get’ it. And I always felt a little vulnerable dipping my toes into the online forum waters, so I’ve always used a nickname. Recently I’ve relaxed a little and feel a little more comfortable using my first name online. It’s not about wanting to not be honest or anything like that, it’s more about wanting to feel safe for me. Afterall, folk online are all strangers to start with aren’t they? And you wouldn’t wander around the street telling strangers your full name and all about your life.
On one forum I’ve been known as simply ‘James’ for a good few years. I feel if anyone doesn’t ‘get’ how I chose it then i don’t need to add to their burden in life trying to explain it…
Online I’ve been quite open about who I am and what I do – it’s oddly nice when people turn up at your work and ask “are you James? I’ve seen your blog/photos!” Similarly when I’ve exhibited at model railway exhibtions (yes, I am that exciting!) people have said they’ve come specially to see me or what I’m exhibiting it’s really rather touching. It’s a reminder of how powerful the web can be – I posted this on my blog (http://eastmoor.blogspot.co.uk/2010/03/volkerrail-end.html) when i left VolkerRail under my own name and will stand by it. Maybe a minor thing really, but not when it appeared on the front page of a Google search for VolkerRail for over a year afterwards!
All that would, I feel, have been lost if I’d only ever blogged or posted behind a pseudonym…
PS It was good to see you and everyone on Saturday!